I feel like a bitch...

So, last night, Durok comes home and he and I have a conversation that turns into an argument. Not the typical I want to get married, he doesn't argument either. It was a new one...kinda. Started with my "I want to be let in emotionally and you keep me at arm's length" (which I believe is why I keep wanting to get married) and his "I do that to cope with your ups and downs". The argument ended up running the gamut from there to "are we really partners in this relationship".

Then, I go to check whose place the bi-weekly D&D game is at, and I find out that the game started an hour and a half earlier than the calendar entry read. I email the entire group knowing someone has a Blackberry explaining the situation as best I can when I'm sobbing upset (I lost the numbers of the people we play with, or at least those I had). I get a message this morning from the GM saying that "I forgot" is a "slap in the face" reason not to show up. So, I emailed the GM to explain the situation in full: I hadn't checked my email in days (almost a week); when I realized we would be late and didn't know whose place it was at, we waited for a reply or phone call; when we didn't get a phone call for almost half an hour, we figured no one got the message so we spent some much-needed time together; and, since I was extremely upset, I did not explain the full situation in the mass-email.

Is it the Bipolar that made me stay up till 4:30 one morning cleaning and then be a crying bitch the night after? Or is it something else?

(Edited because I mis-clicked and posted before I was done typing)

Just rolled out of bed

Yes, I just rolled out of bed. It's 9:15. I feel both sore and numb this morning. As the days get closer to my psychiatric appointment, I get more nervous. I also have been getting more and more nervous with my birthday coming up (2 weeks, 6 days and counting). Then there's 2 weddings Greg and I will be going to: his sister's and his friend's. I've met his sister and her fiancee and I like them both a lot, but I'm nervous about what I'm going to wear (ok, so I found a fabulous top at Lane Bryant, but it's a halter...) and if I'm going to stick out like a sore thumb and if I'm too chubby to pull it off. And then I get to play the "Avoid the photographer" game. I'm going to be curious, of course, about the photog's equipment and all, but I hate being in front of the lens, I want to be behind it!

I don't know if all this worry is justified...but I'm nervous as hell.

Psych Evaluation, End of the Term, and More!

Psych Eval:

So I went to a mental health clinic last week to see about getting help in that regard. The evaluator showed some concern, but she's not overly worried. I have another appointment scheduled with an actual psychiatrist in a couple weeks...don't know what to expect. As strange as it sounds, I can't wait to be on meds to balance me out. I'm so tired of the ups and downs.

End of the Term:

Tomorrow marks the end of the term at school. I'm worried my 4.0 GPA may get lost. I'm showing as .25 points short of an A in one of my classes, which would bring my GPA to a 3.8 overall. I hope my Final Exam, post test, and 2 research assignments makes up for the .25 points.

More:

I have been playing with making polymer clay flowers. I've gotten pretty good at roses and some forms of lilies, but nothing super realistic.

The relationship failboat strikes again!

Yes I messed up again. No, not my bf, that's not the relationship I messed up. A good friend. A very good friend. A good friend that, if the bf were to leave me, would gladly have me. And I'd gladly have had him. But, alas, the great relationship failboat has sunken and taken me with it again. I fucked up. BAD.

I went to him with a problem I should have known would hurt him to hear about, but I was too worried, too wrapped up in my own thoughts, too nervous, too selfish to think before I acted. WHY the hell do I keep doing this? Why the hell do I keep ruining perfectly good relationships? How the hell was I supposed to know that I would say the whole thing the wrong way, and have it taken as me trying to hurt someone? I meant to ask for help. For a pat on the back and an "it'll be ok". But I went to the wrong person and said the wrong words. And sank that ship. I just hope that my friend, my dear friend, my late-night phone call, my midday cheer-up, my afternoon chat can find it in his heart to forgive me. I did a bad, bad thing. And I won't be happy until I can right it.

Flowcharts!

So, here I am, sitting in "Fundamentals of Customer Service" (yes, it's a class), and we're doing flowcharts. Not like I haven't flowcharted before. But still. The symbols are wrong for what we're doing, it's an incredibly boring class, and we've spent about 3 of the last 5 hours of classtime doing flowcharts. Isn't this a class where we're supposed to be learning about customer service?

Also, I've added a blogger app to my Google Homepage. That should keep me blogging regularly.

Tattoo Possibilities

OK, so I've been considering tattoo options for a while. There are a handful of items I would like to get. I will be waiting until I lose some weight to get them, but...

Here's one of the options I'm considering:

This is an altered version of the center part of James Jean's Southern Belle series that was printed on a set of 3 wine bottles. The full series is below.

More than meets the eye

I went to see Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen today. OMG SO GOOD! I laughed, I cried, I wanted to jump out of my chair and cheer!

Also, I found an artist I enjoy Immensely. His name is James Jean and his art is...interesting to say the least. His paintings contain much more than a mere glance can tell. I like the Southern Belle portion of his work, "Wine". Specifically, I like the center piece, with the skeletons of her past coming from under her dress. Maybe it would be a good tattoo?